Tag Archive: sarcasm


Acknowledgements

Having recently migrated our database server, I’d like to acknowledge the staff that helped make this transition go as smoothly as possible.  There’s a great deal more to a database server migration than simply pointing the database migration tool to the new drive location.

In particular, I’d like to acknowledge the janitorial staff for vacuuming in the server room before the new server hardware was installed.  Ensuring a minimum of dust in the new environment is critical to the continued success of the performance of the hardware as well as the health and safety of the IT staff.  I can not overemphasize the amount of work that went into achieving this goal.  You can literally eat off the floor of the server room, good work Benny!

Going forward, we are endeavoring to automate this process, freeing the cleaning staff to focus on higher level janitorial tasks, so we have authorized the purchase of a Roomba 9000.  Made by iRobot, this state of the art robot uses military grade artificial intelligence to seek out and destroy dust bunnies wherever they may congregate.  Working 24/7 it will ensure an immaculate server room environment maximizing shareholder value for generations to come.  We named it “Skippy”.

I’ve learned a lot from this process.  You may never have migrated a database server before, but there’s more to it than just copying files.  The new server comes with a great deal of packing material that must be disposed of in a proper manner.  The amount of styrofoam blocks alone is truly staggering, reducing the efficiency and effectiveness of IT support staff by blocking movement about the workspace.  Even after the packing material has been laboriously removed, little bits of styrofoam often remain, flitting about the server room sowing chaos.  This is where the new Roomba really pays off, seeking out every last fleck of styrofoam and removing it from the environment completely.

Going forward, we are in the process of drafting  a policy that requires new server hardware to be opened outside of the server room.  This may reduce the efficiency of future server installs by requiring more steps to be taken to place the actual server hardware, so an offsite management workshop summit in Dubai is planned for next March to analyze the issue.  Benny will keep you informed of it’s progress.

Once again, good work team, you’ve all done very well.

How to (not) sell software

There are many ways to annoy your audience during a sales presentation, here are just a few:

1. A big freakin’ power point presentation. Everyone loves a lengthy power point presentation, so drag it out for hours, even days.

2. Make sure your slides are as unreadable to the naked eye as microfiche. Cram as much useless and distracting data as you can on each slide, using small fonts and a high resolution if necessary. It’s best to exhaust your audience with eye strain so they associate headaches with your product early on in the process.

2. Do not stop your power point presentation for any reason. If anyone interrupts your presentation, tell them "that’s a very good question, we’ll get back to it" and then don’t.

3. Don’t run your demo off your local hard drive, run your software on an old laptop with an external drive so the prospects see it run as slow as possible.

4. Don’t bother testing your demo before your presentation. If your product blue screens during the demo, no one will mind waiting while you spend several minutes troubleshooting it.

5. Sell software that is so unintuitive that no one, not even you, can figure it out during the demo.

6. Write your emails and IM while the other members of your sales team make their presentations. Don’t bother sitting in the back of the room, neither the presenter nor the prospects will be distracted by your incessant typing and LOLing.

7. Do not ask your prospects what they need, you tell them what they need. If they tell you flat out that they have no possible current or future need for one of your software’s features, spend several minutes explaining how cool it is anyways. Remember you’re not here to solve their problems, you’re here to make your sales presentation.

© 2017 Robert Corvus